Things in my head
The last couple of days or well this week I’ve been wondering if I should write this or not.
But I want to share this particular part of myself with you guys. Whoever you guys are^^.
And to you who reads this I am sorry for this incoming sob fest or well, feelings, in form of
a wall of text. It however helps me to write things down and click on that infamous little publish
button. The feelings get out and don’t get bottled up inside. I guess I can call it therapeutic in
some odd way. To start off I can tell you that all this is mostly about my ex.
Everyone has good and bad days and since he broke up with me I’ve had a couple more
bad days than usual. It is now about 6 months ago this happened. Time sure does fly… I feel
good as well though, not just sad and I have some really joyful and happy days which is caused
by myself. And that’s amazing! That said, there are some days where I really miss him and I used to
get angry, (then sad), at myself for feeling that way but not anymore. I do miss him but
I mostly miss just talking with him. We used to have a lot of fun and I miss singing random
things with him. It’s those tiny things that meant a lot to me.
It hit me that I never thanked him for the good times we did have. I was genuinely happy
with him. And when it hit me that I hadn’t looked at the good times I felt so little. It’s like this hole in
my chest had just buried and erased all good and only let me see bad things. Things that quite possibly
weren’t true. But I’m done asking and searching for answers to questions that should’ve never
been asked. And if he does read this I hope he’ll realize that I am sorry for ever doubting his love for
me but I am not sorry for doubting him. As much as we had good times there were some bad
too and I was given a couple of reason to doubt his words. But at the time I let those things go.
All this doubting really began the day he broke up.
It was some of his recent words that made me re-think some things. Maybe I should have just
nodded my head and accepted that he left me. But I just couldn’t. I kept searching for some other
answer than the one I was given in the first place. And honestly, this day today I still don’t know what
to believe but I no longer care. Cause if I keep questioning and searching for an unanswerable
answer I’ll never get over him. And I’m still not over him. But I want to be. A major issue for me is
letting people go. And I’ve been trying to hold on to whatever little part I had left. But I realize that
I’ve got nothing left there. He’s moved on with his life and I have to do the same.
There’s other fish in the sea as they say, right?
In the end
All I wanted to say was that I think I thought wrong. Wow that sentence sounds weird?
I wish I could say that I am completely okay with how things ended with him and I, but I’m not.
And I’m not okay with how fast he moved on that admittedly hurt like a truck. I wanted to talk to him
an hour ago but I saw something that made my stomach flip and I could feel a well known feeling
rising inside me and I knew I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to keep it together. Right now as I’m
writing this I’m good. Half of this text was written with tears in my eyes the rest with
a tiny smile (thinking of the good things and times).