And why I moved my exams and basically put my life a bit on hold.
This post has been on my mind for a while. I haven’t wanted to post a status update on facebook or something like that, mainly because I didn’t feel like writing an entire novel there. But my blog is just something else. It’s my little piece of the world where I can share exactly what I want to share and sort of get things out of my head. So, I decided that now is the time. My family and my friends obviously knows about this, but acquaintances and such do not. And honestly I don’t mind that… What I do mind, and what I am scared of is being asked; “so how are you and Richard“. I’m not sure how I’d take that. So I’ve asked my friends to tell their friends and sort of make sure I won’t have to have that happen to me (although I know I can’t completely avoid it). But maybe this post will reach some who doesn’t know yet either and then I won’t have to answer such a question. Am I making any sense?
Richard, my boyfriend of almost three years, passed away the 28th of May 2015. No words can truly describe how I feel, at least not well enough to put it in writing. It was the worst day of my life and I still don’t understand it. There’s just a whole lot of sorrow, sadness and emptiness. I don’t feel like talking too much about it at this given moment but this is why my entire life has been turned upside down. It has only been a bit over a month since he passed, it still feels like yesterday and at the same time it feels like a life time ago. It’s a very strange world I am in now. It’s all just strange. There is a lot of pain and unhappiness but at the same time I try to be “strong” for him. Because I know he only ever wanted me to be happy. That’s hard right now though… Being happy.
My summer wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be with Richard in Sweden after I had passed my exams. We were supposed to basically have the best summer. I know we would’ve. You know, I have always believed that things happen for a reason. But WHAT ON EARTH is the reason for this? He was only 28 years old. It’s so unfair. I don’t understand it, I really don’t. No one does. Maybe we aren’t meant to, I don’t know. All I know is that it’s horribly unfair to him, to me, to his family and his friends.
So here I am sitting on the east coast in USA. As I am writing this I am eating my breakfast (consisting of two eggs and a piece of toast with philadelphia on it, thank you for asking) and watching some crazy spanish talk show on tv. My parents wanted to help me get away from it all for a bit and so they sent me here. I am so very grateful for that. After he passed I lived with my mom for a few weeks. Basically until I came here. I just couldn’t be alone. I really could not be alone. My world fell a part. I spent a few days in my own apartment just before I left for the states, which felt strange. Mostly cause I well… felt very alone. I still feel alone. Even when I am surrounded by family, I feel alone. I guess this is just how it is now. Anyway, I am here now and I am trying to make the best of what I’ve got. I’m glad my grandmother (who lives in Ecuador) is also here. We spend all days together which is really nice and it also enhances my spanish, which is nifty!
I wish everyone who reads this to have a great summer. I will try my best to have a something summer. Hopefully a decent one. Well it is, I’m glad to be here. I’m just not too glad in general. It is good to see my family again though, my aunts, uncle, cousins and grandma’. That is good. They all say time will make it better. I don’t know… I guess time will tell.